I'm a Survivor

The freckles on your body signify damage to the skin.  Your heart breaking and attemping to heal itself signifies emotional damage.  Scars on the skin.  Repairs within the body from a broken bone.  However these scars manifest, it shows hurt and trauma.  But these scars tell a story.  A story that bring character to the person who beholds it.  I think there is something beautiful about scars.  It means triumph.  It means that the hurt is over, the wound is healed, done with.  It is a mark of strength - both inner and outer.   Survivors.

My scars span decades and tell several stories.  I am not ashamed of any of my scars.  I'm very much proud of them and what each mark has told me.  Now, if you've read my blog in the past, you'll know the inner scars... so I won't bore you with those.  Here, I'm going to tell you the stories of my visible scars.  The ones that people most ask me about and some that people don't even notice. 

I have a half-dollar sized scar on my knee with a thin faint scar leading away from it for about two inches.  It almost looks like a balloon.  This is the biggest one on my body.  And it has scarred me the most, emotionally and physically.  I remember the day when I got this.  I was crabbing with my grandparents/family on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge (or some other small bridge near it).  I went venturing out, as I always did, with my sister because it was hot and we were bored.  On the way back, I ended up racing my sister, tripping on a raised board and falling.  What I fell onto was a nail that was sticking out of the bridge.  It dug a deep hole into my knee and, subsequently, the length of my sliding.  I didn't notice it until I got back to where my grandparents were and they flipped when they saw the amount of blood.  And when I looked down, my face must have turned white because my dad grabbed me and carried me to the car.  I was taken to the emergency room where they washed it, sterlized it and wrapped it up.  For some reason they didn't, or couldn't, give me stitches.  I ended up having to wear a soft cast on it so that I wouldn't bend my knee and reopen the would over and over again.  It was the worst, most itchy, few months I've ever experienced. 

The next scar is on the same leg - about 3 inches about it.  When I was in middle school I tried so hard to fit in.  My best friend was one of the popular girls and, through that, I was in that crowd, too (though I'm not sure I really belonged).  I did things I shouldn't have done only to fit in with them.  Why?  B was the ring leader and she was my best friend. I didn't need to impress anyone else.  But I did anyway.  Call it teen angst.  Call it peer pressure.  But I went with the crowd.  On Fridays we had free choice during P.E.  My group of friends would usually just hang out on the floors around the gym writing messages in pen on each other's bodies.  Most of the other kids would play basketball.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  I was so smitten with this guy, S, and he asked if he could write something on my leg.  Naturally, I gave in.  As he was in the middle of writing something, a basketball came our way and literally drilled the pen into my leg.  I mean literally.  The basketball landed right on top of the pen and started spinning. It was so surreal.  It drilled into my leg like a warm knife digging into butter.  We all stood there in shock.  I had no idea what to do.  No one did.  We didn't want to tell the teacher because we had gotten in trouble for bringing pens to P.E. before.  So, like what any middle schooler  would do, I took the pen out of the skin and lets the blood start gushing out....  and by gushing I mean GUSHING.  I ran to the nurse, dripping blood throughout the hallways and my dad had to come get me.  Now, I don't know if he didn't take me to get stitched because he wanted me to learn a lesson from this or because he didn't think it was bad, but I went home and had to take care of the wound myself.  I used butterfly bandaids to keep the wound closed and exaggerated the wound at school for weeks to come.  It took a while for it to close but it eventually did.  The memory of that day will stay with me forever.  It's like it happened yesterday. 

I have three scars on my face that I CHOSE to have.  My family members all have beauty marks on our faces.  It's a mark of being apart of the Kim side of the family.  I used to have three... one under my eye, one on my chin and one under my bottom lip.  But like many Asian cultures, the Koreans believe that the placement of these marks signify certain things and were either lucky or unlucky.  I was told by my family that:

• The one under my eye was like a tear... that I would be faced with lots of sadness; a lot of crying in my lifetime.  I couldn't have that now could I?  So I decided I wanted that one removed.
• The beauty mark (yes, they call it a beauty mark) around my mouth was indicitive of, well, beauty.  It is a symbol of desire, passion and eroticness (is this a word?).  However, at the same time, it also symbolized unfaithfulness. People with moles near their mouths used to get teased with variations on the saying “바람기 있다,” which is basically a way to call someone a flirt in Korean.  Uhhh, what now?  Come again?
• The one on my chin didn't really mean much.  Some say that it means that you love traveling and adventure; which would mean that you might not stay in one place for long periods of time.  It could also mean a lucky life.  I dunno.  But I figured if I was getting rid of the other two, I might as well get rid of this one.

Somehow I managed to get my health insurance to cover these removals as "precautionary measure" for skin cancer.  I went through a plastic surgeon for this as my mom would NOT allow my face to be scarred.  However, since I am Asian, I had a higher chance of keloiding... and keloiding I did.  But only under the lip.  It's a good thing that my bottom lip is succulent because it hides the scar.  The other two you can barely see unless you are upclose... and even then you get distracted by my super cute freckles. 

So there you have it.  My scars.  My beautiful scars.  I have several more, like the one that I got from chicken pox and the one from falling off my scooter, but everyone has those.  These scars are unique.  No one else has these scars or these stories.  And that's what makes them cool and beautiful.  I survived a fall on a bridge, a stabbing and evil Korean beliefs.  Who else can say they overcame those?  I'm a survivor.

that one time i was brilliant

On Sunday, before the big Redskin's playoff game, V and I went to XSport to finally get myself a membership.  My LA Boxing membership had since expired and I was beginning to become a little soft in places that weren't before.  I happened to be wearing my Reskins jersey that day when I went in [sidenote:  for all you fuckers out there that don't think I'm a Redskin's fan (okay, not die hard like some of yous guys) I've been watching them since my family and I moved to this area when Art Monk and Superbowl were synonymous with Redskins.  I even used to wear gold stirup pants with burgundy and gold slouch socks.  Now shut it down].

Anyways.  I was sitting at the desk waiting for my teacher ID to be authorized when this big black man who was working the front desk came over to me and said, "Do you want to switch out of that and into a Cowboy's shirt?"

To which I, without skipping a beat (and actually very proud of myself for being so quick witted) yelled, "HAIL, No!" 

He, too, was taken back by my response but recovered his shock with a big smile and a "Now that you're a member here, I bet I'll be able to change your mind on that one." 

Cocky.  Cute.  Never gonna happen.

Do Things Really Change?

When I can't sleep (which has been pretty regular lately) I'll dick around on FB.  Back in 2009 I wrote a "25 Things" piece about me (a la the Glamour magazine articles) and thought I would see how many things have changed since then...  the things in red will be the changes and/or new developments. 

Here we go.  25 Things and Changes?:

1. Only a handful of people know and call me by my Korean name.   Just my family members call me by it these days. 
2. I used to hate my height but now I love it.  Still love it. 
3. I love wearing really high heels... not only does it make my legs look amazing, but I can see over the crowds.  Still wearing really high heels... and usually end up busting my ankles. 
4. I was betrothed to Dr. N,.... So there was some more stuff that was a part of this that I got rid of because it was the kind of information that would hurt people and ruin relationships...  And I don't want to bring up the past nor hurt anyone.
5. Now I am betrothed to his brother.  And I'm also now betrothed to J and C.  What's a girl to do?
6. I have tried on several occasions to donate blood, however, I always backout due to my phobia of needles.  Still can't donate blood to the Red Cross... but I'm getting better each time with getting my blood drawn at doctor's appointments.  Still makes me want to vomit though. 
7. I have a phobia of spiders, too.  Yup, still have this one.  Add any sort of creepy insect to this one, too. 
8. I get extremely fed up when my classmates yell out the wrong answers in class. I know the answers... I just don't ever speak up (see #9).  I'm not in grad school anymore so this is a moot point.  However, I get fed up when my students yell out wrong answers. 
9. I have a fear of speaking in public. My face turns bright red and I start feeling faint.  Yup, still have this fear.  But I've actually done one story telling thing to help me get over it.  Did it?  Nope, not in the least. 
10. Alcohol is my liquid courage. Does that make me an alcoholic?  I'm not an alcoholic.  I'm just more talkative, and more fluent in Spanish, with alcohol. 
11. I often come off as being standoffish or bitchy... I'm not. I'm just shy.  You have to peel away the layers.  I get called standoffish a lot still.  But I've learned a secret method from a friend that seems to be working. 
12. I laugh a lot... at inappropriate things and inappropriate times.  Always have, always will. 
13. I miss my preschool babies everyday.  I miss all my kids I've taught everyday... but I'm excited to see what they accomplish the older they get.   That makes me proud. 
14. I have a hard time sleeping at other people's houses or with someone else in my bed.  I've learned to sleep with someone else in my bed.  I hate sleeping at other people's houses.
15. Scary movies make me laugh. I have yet to find one that has really scared me. My brother says it's because I'm scientific by nature.   Still looking for a truly scary movie.  Anyone wanna go movie hunting with me? 
16. My brother's nickname is Dank and my sister's nickname is Kat. I wish I had a cool nickname like that... you can't do much with Angela... and what you can do sounds really white trash.  Still can't do anything cute with Angela without it sounding trashy.  I now get called cute nicknames like Panda and Twinky. 
17. I have a ritual at work before I can begin my day: eat cereal, drink cup of coffee, check my personal e-mail, check my work e-mail, check my smut online blogs.  Nope.  This was when I worked for the consulting firm.  Since becoming a teacher my ritual has changed.  Now it goes a little something like this:   photocopy papers, get room ready for kids, check work email, make oatmeal and coffee, use the bathroom before the kids come in, deep breaths. 
18. I believe that I have already met my soul mate... but unfortunately, I ruined it somehow.  I don't think I knew who I was talking about there... just that I'd met him and blown it.  I still believe this.  Is there one soul mate out there for everyone?  No.  I'm still waiting to meet some more. 
19. I am the epitome of "The Ugly Duckling."  Yup.  And proud of it. 
20. I can remember the shirt I was wearing in preschool when I threw up in class on Valentine's Day. It was pink and had a popsicle on the front.  I've seen pictures of it as of recent.  It was pink AND purple. 
21. I cannot pee in front of people.   Nor can I pee when I think people can hear me.  I always turn on the sink. 
22. I find farting to be extremely funny.  Yup.  Always have, always will. 
23. I love the way babies smell... their hair, their clothes, and especially their breath. There's nothing better than sticking your nose close to a babies mouth as they yawn.  Yup - and it's even more exacerbated by the fact that I'm surrounded more by babies these days. 
24. I used to hate Taco Bell when I was younger... now I secretly love it.  Not a secret anymore... but I rarely eat it unless I'm in a car full of hungover girls. 
25. I cannot live without Vaseline. It's what makes my lips they way they are. I keep a tub of it on my night stand.  In addition to my night stand, I have a tub of Vaseline in my classroom and in my purse.

Alrighty then.... doesn't look like much has changed.  Although I will on the record and say that a person's quirks are extremely hard to change. 

Massage

Today I treated myself to what I thought was going to be a relaxing massage.  Relaxing?  At times.  But mostly it was painful.  But pain and pleasure, like light and darkness, succeed each other.  The pain was welcome.  Now, this story wouldn't be an Angela story without some sort of snafu.  Don't worry - it's nothing like "I accidentally picked a Happy Ending type place."  

Upon entering the massage parlor I asked the front desk if I could use the bathroom.  She pointed me in the direction and I went in with guns a blazin'.... and ran SMACK into a young asian man who was coming around the hallway.  The lady showed me to my  massage area and I got prepared.  In walked my masseuse... Bob... the man I just run into.  Of course.  Wonderful.  The next thing I notice was that the divider between the two rooms was open.  They had opened the room up so my friend V and I could share a couple's massage.  Apparently we looked like lesbians... I mean, just because I was wearing a Redskin's jersey and V was in workout clothes, does not make us muff divers. 

Bob was ROUGH.  But let me tell you he worked out all my kinks in my neck and shoulders - the place where most my tension lies.  Having big breasts sores my neck and shoulders.  Being a teacher and carrying all those bags puts strain on my neck and shoulders.  Purses.  They eff up a woman's shoulders.  Needless to say I was very tight up there.  And I couldn't relax.  I would find myself pushing against him as he was trying to rub out my knots.  And I had to force myself to relax because I could sense him getting annoyed. 

He traveled down my body to the glutus maximus area.  And when he first dug his elbow in my backside, I clenched and laughed out loud.  It was strange.  But I got over it fast because it became pretty pleasant after the intial shock of him massaging that area. 

Then Bob traveled back up to my head.  If there's one thing I love more than myself, it's when someone massages/rubs my head.  But he didn't go for my head.  He went for my no-no zone - the collarbone area.  If you know me at all, you'll know that I FLIP the eff OUT when someone even comes NEAR my collarbone.  I can't even watch someone touch their own collarbone without cringing.  But I decided that maybe I should get over this horrible fear of mine and this might be the perfect time.  So, while we worked on that area, I took some deep breaths, closed my eyes and went back to the time where I THINK this irrational fear developed.

Rewind back to 1998 or so...  I was at my grandmother's house for one of our Korean celebrations.  All the cousins were there.  My cousin E was taking cheerleading classes and wanted to show me some moves.  At one point, I was sitting on the floor and she got on my shoulders.  I grabbed her hands and we started cheering.  I guess I lost my balance because I felt myself falling over.  And fall I did.  With E still on my shoulders and her hands in my hand.  I wasn't thinking and subsequently didn't let go of her hands and neither of us were able to catch ourselves with our hands....  E's shoulder caught the floor.  And with my hand still holding hers, I hear and FELT the cracking of her collarbone.  She was in SO much pain...

She wasn't able to cheer for a really long time after that.  And it was all my fault.  I felt TERRIBLE about it.  From that day on no one, not even myself, was allowed to come close to my collarbone.  Luckily, E went on to cheerlead in HS and at the U of A.  So, all was good in the world.

Then the timer rang and my session was up.  I thanked Bob and gave him an extra big tip for having to deal with my neurosis.  Am I cured of my collarbone issue?  No.  While in the car, I tried grazing it with my hand and I nearly vomited on the dashboard.  Will I be going back to see Bob?  Probably not... next time I'll ask for the asian lady to get a relaxing massage. 

Lately....

Lately during my planning breaks at school, my friend/co-worker will come into my room to unwind, chat and/or complain (productive use of a planning hour, right?)  Lately it's been about friendships and how things have changed with both of us.  Our friends seem to have gone into the next phase of their lives without us.  Long gone are the days when it was ladies night every weekend.  Gone are the days when friends were able to meet up with you for shopping or dicking around at a moments notice.  No more sleepovers for days.  Now, it's husbands and babies and family obligations.  And it's okay.

But when are we (read, I) gonna finally accept the fact that it's OK for people to grow out of a friendship.  Is it even something we (I) can accept?  The fact of the matter is, we all change.  People change and grow.  From priorities to hair color to mindsets.  Friendships shouldn't be an exception.  Friendships changed.  Hell, even my own ideas on friendships have changed.  I used to want a lot of friends.  Now, I'm content with a handful of really close friends.  But these friendships seem to also be changing.  And I get it.  Boyfriends.  Careers.  Health.  Sometimes I actually feel sorry for them.  Because I think a single person can evolve into becoming more diverse.  It's one of the perks of being single.  Am I jealous?  Maybe.  Would life be easier being one of those happy couples?  Possibly. 

But I digress.

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to rekindle some old friendships while still trying to maintain my current ones.  But even thinking about that is exhausting.  Will I stick with my goal and reach out to them?  Probably.  Do I miss them?  Of course.  With a handful of them, not spending every weekend together doesn't mean we aren't close.  As a matter of fact, these friends would come to my aid if I ever needed them.  These friends will 100% be invited to my wedding one day.  On the flip side, some current friendships need a constant daily reminder about the friendship.  Validation.  And it's too much.  Is it a real friendship?  Who knows.  But I do know that with everything that the world has dealt me, I'm not sure it's something I even want to deal with. 

I don't really know where I was going with this....  end soapbox?

Layers...

Speaking of reflecting...  rewind back to 2001 when Shrek came out.  The most memorable quote to come from that was the one about layers.  Something along the lines of "ogres are like onions.  onions have layers.  ogres have layers."  Back then, I thought this was a brilliant quote.  Because, it's true.  People have layers.... and you have to peel these layers back to get down to the real person.  It's true.  I'm especially a walking billboard for that.  Often times people assume I'm stand-offish or bitchy because of the way I am upon first meeting.  Not the best first impression.  But the more layers you pull away, the more you get to know the real me.  Kind.  Funny. Smart.  Friendly.  I could go on for hours (ha). 

I was reading Insurgent last night after my failed attempt at getting to bed at a normal hour and came across this quote.  And it blew the Shrek quote out of the waters... I mean.  I still firmly believe in what the quote it saying, but I think this one is more relevant to where we all are in our lives.

..."People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets.  You believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts.  You will never know them, but sometimes you decide to trust them."...

Sometimes it bites you in the ass, but then again sometimes it doesn't.  And when that happens, the layers become irrelevant because they'll fall away naturally. 

You're welcome. 

2013

Happy New Year everyone!!

As I was sitting under the dental hygienist the other day, I had time to reflect on 2012 (yes, my dental hygienist doesn't ask questions while her hands are in my mouth).  2012 was a year of discovery for me.  I went through one of the hardest times.  But because of that I was able to find myself and make myself better.  I had some major success and some major fails.  I made some really stupid decisions and made some really amazing decisions.  I took the bull by the horns.  I went outside my comfort zone and did things I normally wouldn't do.  I laughed.  I cried.  I smiled.  I blushed.  Through it all I did it with pride and with dignity. 

This upcoming year is going to be great. I can feel it.  Now, I would be stupid to say that I won't be faced with adversity or challenges... because I know I will.  But, this year I'm stronger and smarter than last year and am open to whatever life throws my way.  I'm hopeful that I'll be thrown more positives than negatives, but I've been wrong in the past before.  I've always made new year's resolutions.  And, unfortunately, broken most, if not all, of them.  I am going to make a STRONG attempt to make these last. 

Here they are in random order:

1. Implement and enforce a strict skin care regimen. 
2. Stop texting/calling while driving.
3. Stop worrying about what others think of you. 
4. Do what makes me happy.
5. Get my fat ass to the gym.
6. Eat better.
7. Stop shopping so much.
8. Rekindle lost friendships and try to stay in touch with current friends.
9. Spend more ME time. 

I think that's it.... so far.  I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year.  I am looking forward to seeing what 2013 will bring.