The Truth Hurts

I've been told in the past that I'm not a very good communicator... that I'm stubborn and I put a wall up.  It's something that I've dealing with for a while now. And only a true friend can be brutally honest with you about these things.  Because, while it's still an outsider's opinion and you don't want to hear it, it's usually the God's honest truth and someone who knows you that well knows it.  It's been a huge eye opener for me. 

Here are a few things that you might not know about me:

• I don't like to cry in front of people.  I have always equated crying with weakness.  I know that's wrong.  Crying is not a sign of weakness.  Crying is purely the pouring out of your emotions. It relieves you of stress and loosens up your emotions.  And let's be honest, emotion is the ultimate form of character.  To me, I always feel vulnerable when I shed tears...  But it's only now that I can see how beautiful vulnerability is.
• I have been taught to think before you speak.  This is one reason why I don't communicate very well.  I listen (and I pride myself on being a good listener).  I take things in.  I need time to think and process things.  Somethings take longer to process.  And then it takes me a while to come up with a right response.  This is where I have a hard time.  This is where I am a walking contradiction. I'm an instant gratification kind of person but I need lots of time for this.  How does one change this?  Do I screw my filter and say what I mean?  Let's be honest, without my filter I wouldn't have a job.  Do you know how many times I've wanted to say stuff to my students, co-workers or even my boss but knew otherwise? 
• I am lousy at forgiving myself.  No explanation necessary. 

And it's these things that I'm working on.  Communication.  Emotions.  Vulnerability.  Forgiveness.  So here goes nothing...

Today, I ended all communcation with someone who I thought would be in my life forever.  Someone who I felt was one of my soulmates.  That person who understood and connected with me in every way and on every level, which brought a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when I was around them.  Yeah, that person.  And it was hard.  But it was necessary.  Necessary for me to work on myself - to change the above things so that I can truly be successful in all relationships of my life.  I've already seen some growth in some of these areas but I know I have not reached my full potential.  Without struggle there is no progress.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  But in the end I know that I will come out a better person. 

Will I eventually re-connect with this person?  Who knows.  I would like to think I will.  I'm not sure I believe in the whole "if you love something set it free.  If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it never was."  I used to.  But the older I get, the more reality hits.  While I still believe in true love, I also believe in hard work.  Hard work to get what you want.  Keep trying, hold on, and always believe in yourself.  Nothing easy is ever worth it. 

And, if you are all wondering:  Yes, I was crying while writing this.  Because vulnerability is beautiful and I am beautiful inside and out. 

See?  I'm already off to a good start.